So things right now are better for me.

I went to my doctor on Thursday and I was diagnosed with depression and morbid obesity. I didn't think of myself as morbidly obsese but I guess I am. My doctor has referred me to a weight loss place that has a healthy lifestyles program. It is conducted by doctors who do the weight loss surgeries.

I won't start the program until after I get back from Vegas but I am extremely excited about it. I think this might be just the thing that I need in order to get my life back on track health wise. I feel better know there will be a whole team of peple that will help me figure out what I am doing.

Lee and I are also figuring out our finances as well. We have 3 credit cards with about $9000 in debt on them. We decided that instead of paying 3 payments at about $500 a month, we are going to take out a loan. The loan would be for $10,000 and instead of having 3 payments a month, we would have 1. We haven't worked out all the details but from what I understand, we would have about a $200 payment. That would save us $300 a month which is huge. Plus then our credit cards would be paid off and I can't wait for that! The extra $1000 would be put in our bank account to have as a start to our "emergency fund". We have been really horrible about saving money so maybe this is just the start we need. With the extra money we save, some of it will go to the emeregency fund and the other will go to paying off the loan. Wouldn't hurt to pay it off even faster!

I am excited about all the new things coming up. I am ready to live my life to the fullest again. I am hoping these things will be just the restarts that I need!

Last night

Last night was a horrrrrrrible night! My depression started hitting me again yesterday afternoon but I thought I could keep it away. Boy was I wrong. Lee and Kaylee went to his folks last night to watch hockey and I stayed at home.

I was sitting on the couch and it just all became way to overwhelming. I just didn't know what to do. I was having really bad thoughts about life not being worth living. I don't want these thoughts. I know life is worth living. I just am having a harder time keeping the bad thoughts away. I know I should go see my doctor, but I don't want to be put on meds. I don't think meds are the way to solve it. I can't go see a counselor because you have to be diagnosed with depression for our insurance to cover any of it and I can't afford the money it costs without insurance covering.

Of course last night when I was having this episode, I ate my way through it. I ate almost an entire little pint of ice cream. Woke up this morning and still feeling crappy. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to deal with this anymore!

These days!

So lately these days, I have been feeling really down. I think most of my being down has to do with my weight. Anymore these days when I wake up in the morning, I don't want to get out of bed. I just want to hide away from the world and hide from my problems.

When I go out in public, I am embarrassed by what I look like. I am not happy with the way I have let myself go. If you would have asked me 10 years ago if I thought I would ever be at the weight that I am at, I would have told you heck no! Never in a million years. I guess when you become lazy, this is the results.

In my mind I want to get in better shape and lose the weight. But for some reason when it actually comes to doing the work to lose the weight, that is where I fall short. I don't know why either. I am all ready to go when I start my "diet" and then after about a day or two, I am back to the same old spot. For some reason, I can't seem to just stick to it. I can't seem to give up the bad stuff. It's like the foods and junk just have a hold on me. I know the food is not healthy and I know that if I continue what I am doing that I am just going to kill myself slowly.

I want to do this. I really do. I just don't know why I can't get there. I picture myself at my goal weight and it makes me excited, but getting there seems to be taking a lot longer than I ever pictured it would. It's just frustrating that I haven't done what I need to do!

I have a lot of reasons of why I should get in shape. The biggest of them being my beautiful little girl. It's amazing how becoming a mom can change your whole life. I would give everything to make sure that this little girl is taken care of and has everything she needs. But what she really needs is a mom who CAN take care of her forever. I won't be able to chase her around if I am the way I am right now. I won't be able to take her places if I continue the way I am. She needs the strongest mom she can have and right now, I can't give that to her.

I am ready to do this mentally, but now some reason I need to figure out how to do it. I know HOW to do it, but in my mind, I need to figure out how to say NO to the bad things and YES to do the good things. Somehow I HAVE to do this...